Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize