I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
