I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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