you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
