I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
