yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I want her autograph on my taint
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
