P.S. I can't hear my feet
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
