Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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