he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have peed in a lot of sinks
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
