the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
did you just send me my own nude
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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