i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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