I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
