i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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