I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
