i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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