My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
