he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
