i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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