I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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