you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
