he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
