thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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