Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
