never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
In America we eat man semen.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
