I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
