I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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