I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
