Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
