Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Mom said you looked used
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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