Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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