I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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