New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
