Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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