I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
