With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
