dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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