I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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