im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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