halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
this hospital has no fireball
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
