Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
