im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
