I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
