he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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