the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
