FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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