I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
