I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
