I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
