i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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