But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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