We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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